I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
