If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
