I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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