The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
