I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
