Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
