Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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