In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
