I wish I could teleport
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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