Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
