yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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