yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize