Jerry, you need to find god
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
