I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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