I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
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