So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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