she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
