awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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