I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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