I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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