toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
false alarm. still invincible.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
3 2 1 whiskey
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
