So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
