I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I wish you could order shots online.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
