she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
