my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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