why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
