So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
