I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
