Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
