Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
