i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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