Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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