I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Randomize
