I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
