I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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