listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
