that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
