im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
