the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
