they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
