Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
