i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
