Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
