Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
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