oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
