i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
