Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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