I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
