Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
