I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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