plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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