Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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