I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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