a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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