Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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