so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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