420 ftw
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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