no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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