I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
