I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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