a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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