i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
