I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
