My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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