i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
