my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
